I have been thinking a lot lately about parents, and what it
takes to be a “good” parent. I have
always been apprehensive about being a parent, and that anxiety has only
increased as I watch the world around me become so much worse than it was when
I was young. I am not so much worried
about what I can control, I know God and my future husband will help me with
that, I am worried about the things that are beyond my control. The world outside my home. I am not sure I want my children seeing the
things I see and more. It’s a scary
thought. I look at my immediate and
extended family, and I see members of my family refusing to make good
choices. They are lost and alone, and I
am sad. And I see the parents of those
wayward children, my parents, struggle with how to support and help the lost
child, let them know they are loved unconditionally without supporting the
behaviors. And on a grander scale, I
know God loves all His children and helps them where He can, but He cannot make
anyone choose the right, and He cannot condone wicked behaviors. And as righteous parents striving to be like
God, my parents, my grandparents, my aunts and uncles, they all are in the same
boat. They have to love their children
as much as they can, even if it’s from a far.
And sometimes it’s very very far away.
And they all feel like they have failed.
Failed to instill a love of God in the hearts of these children, failed
to teach them, somehow convince them that the only path to happiness is
the path God has paved. That the dirt
path to the right appears “cool”, “unconventional”, and “free” right now, but
it will surely end in a dead end, a dungeon, and death on both levels. And I am heartbroken that these parents I
love so much feel the weight of guilt and failure because their child can’t or
won’t choose the path of happiness. I am
not a parent. I do not pretend to have
any thoughts on correct parenting skills, nor do I want to seem like a
self-righteous woman claiming to have all the answers. I just have been thinking about this topic a
lot lately, and praying about it even more.
And I have been looking for answers from people who are much more
inspired than I am.
There is a great talk from President James E. Faust in April
2003 called “Dear are the Sheep That Have Wandered”. I won’t quote the entire thing here, but you
can read it from this link: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2003/04/dear-are-the-sheep-that-have-wandered?lang=eng
And then in this month’s Ensign is the article I was looking
for. It’s by Elder David A. Bednar,
entitled “Faithful Parents and Wayward Children: Sustaining Hope While
Overcoming Misunderstanding”. Read it
here: https://www.lds.org/liahona/2014/03/faithful-parents-and-wayward-children-sustaining-hope-while-overcoming-misunderstanding?lang=eng&query=wayward+children
Basically they both talked about how sometimes, despite a
parent’s best efforts, children refuse to choose the right. The great thing about righteous parents
keeping their covenants is that it ensures that child a place in the eternities
should they choose to repent. And as a child of God they are always ensured
the Light of Christ at the very least.
God will be with them in every way He can, guiding them, inspiring them,
helping them on their way until they are ready for more light.
I think the best example of this is Alma the Elder.
Alma the Elder was once a priest of the wicked King
Noah. Alma didn’t make good choices, in
fact, he was driven to teach the people to pursue wickedness out of a love for
riches. But one day he experienced a
change of heart. And because of his
change of heart, he was able to help his whole village come to Christ, and they
all journeyed to Zarahemla to be with the other church members. So Alma the Elder knew what it was like to
live in darkness and to find the Everlasting Light of Life (Jesus’
Atonement). Now Alma had a son. His name was Alma the Younger. And this son was not just a wayward child, he
was outright rebellious, belligerent, and did everything he could to be
opposite his namesake. I am sure Alma
and Alma had many conversations that probably went something like this:
A.t.E: Son, you have to straighten up! You know what’s right, and you can’t keep
living this way. You won’t be happy.
A.t.Y: Whatever dad.
I’ll be fine. I like my life, and
you can’t make me believe otherwise.
A.t.E: Son, I’ve been where you are. I’ve experienced this path you’re choosing,
and I’m telling you, Christ’s way is the only way that leads to happiness.
A.t.Y: I’m tired of hearing that story. I don’t believe in God, and I don’t believe
in your silly religion.
What should Alma the Elder do? He prayed every day that his son would find the truth, be pricked in his heart, learn to love God, cease His evil ways. And days, months, and years passed. And Alma the Younger got worse. And started dragging people away from the church and their own happiness. So God stepped in. In Alma 27, we read that one day an angel appeared before Alma the Younger and his friends. This is what he said:
14 And again, the angel
said: Behold, the Lord hath heard the prayers of his people, and also the prayers of his servant,
Alma, who is thy father; for he has prayed with much faith concerning thee that
thou mightest be brought to the knowledge of the truth; therefore, for this
purpose have I come to convince thee of the power and authority of God,
that the prayers of his servants might be answered according to their faith.
15 And now behold, can ye dispute the power of
God? For behold, doth not my voice shake the earth? And can ye not also behold
me before you? And I am sent from God.
16 Now I say unto thee: Go, and remember the
captivity of thy fathers in the land of Helam, and in the land of Nephi; and
remember how great things he has done for them; for they were in bondage, and
he has delivered them. And now I say unto thee, Alma, go thy way, and seek to
destroy the church no more, that their prayers may be answered, and this even
if thou wilt of thyself be cast off.
Pretty intense right? Now, I don’t
think angels will be coming to visit my wayward family members. Or will they?
After all, Elder Holland said we can be angels to others (October 2008
General Conference). And in Relief Society
today, part of the lesson was on the relationships we have here on Earth, and
what happens to those relationships in the next life. I am going to use the words of a good friend
of mine (with her permission of course):
“…we read in the scriptures
“Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that
loveth is born of God, and knoweth God. He that loveth not knoweth not God; for
God is love” (1 John 4:7-8). And, “now, as ye are desirous to come into the
fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s
burdens, that they may be light; Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that
mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as
witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may
be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with
those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life—“ (Mosiah
18:8-9).”
So what is my job? And what is my parent’s job, and the job
of every parent who struggles with a wayward child? Love them. Unconditionally. You have to decide what that looks like. But that’s all we can do. You haven’t failed. As a parent, your example and your work every
day to bring your child to the Gospel proves you didn’t fail. And God knows it. And His opinion is the only one that
matters. So take a deep breath, and let
go. Pray for your child every day, fast
for them, love them. Talk to them. Help where you can, and love them when you
can’t. God didn’t send us here to
fail. He’ll make sure we don’t. And one day, they'll need you. Hold out for that day. It's coming. God promised, and He's never gone back on a promise yet.
-Jess
